January 1 is here in five days and like clockwork, we are getting reminded to start the New Year kicking and screaming. So what's your plan? Join a gym, eat healthier, learn the guitar, read a book, volunteer more? Do you have your list of resolutions ready? Are you copying last year's list?
I get it, I do it - make my list, look ahead and imagine all the things a new year can do for me. Even better this year, January 1 starts on a Monday (I'm kind of ocd that way) and my BeachBody workout plan starts on a Monday - woohoo, we're golden. But my list last year had 22 items on it, and worse, in January I added 11 more, so by February I was trying to keep up with 33 resolutions/goals/dreams.
I achieved them all - NOT.
Needless to say, by March I was checking off only three of my 33. What happened? Why is it every year we are so optimistic, and yet, most of us can't even finish the month and keep to our tasks?
We stop believing in ourselves. Period.
OVERLOAD
The are many reasons we fail our list, and ultimately, ourselves:
the list is too long, there are just too many achievements we want to check off
we have goals that require diligent discipline and time and skill, and we don't properly break them down, set milestones, or even truly understand what our goals mean
many, many others (getting laid from work, being sick, etc).
However, in my work at heroesrixs.com, when we truly drill into why some of us lose sight of our targets, it's because of this:
We stop believing in ourselves. Period.
We give up on our internal belief system that we have it in us to achieve our goals. We start doubting ourselves, our abilities, start excusing a missed day here and there, blame others.
Even worse, devalue our goals by excusing our "failure" with "What am I gonna do anyways when I get [insert goal here]?", or "Well, I tried, I can do it next year, it was not that important anyway!"
(NOTE: there is a wonderfully detrimental psychology behind excusing ourselves. As we excuse whatever it is, our brain thinks "Oh, I felt bad, but I have an excuse, and now I feel better - release the feel-good chemicals!" We do this often enough, we train our brain to seek an excuse-response because it knows it will make us feel better - our own brain sabotages us into an auto-pilot of "Quick, insert excuse - aww, much better...".)
What to do, what to do...?
We're simply ignoring that something, some thought, some behavior, moved us in the wrong direction, and may unfortunately keep us there.
DON'T BE POSITIVE
Let's start with what not to do.
The worst thing to do, is to camouflage what's happening with trivial positive self-talk:
"Just think happy thoughts!"
"Manifest your destiny!"
"You can do it!"
Blahblahblah...
While this may give some folks a quick pick-me-up, it is avoiding what's really happening. We're simply ignoring that something, some thought, some behavior, moved us in the wrong direction, and may unfortunately keep us there. We'll never get to the root of the problem, and for most, it's often deeper than what an article can uncover. And worse, when we can't get to feel happy, when we didn't get what we manifested, when we just couldn't do what we wanted to even though to kept telling ourselves "You can do it, you can do it...", how do you think you'll feel then?
(NOTE: please do not do this one thing - blame things outside of you, like "It's because I'm [insert nationality/trait/etc here]", or "That person did xyz...", or even worse, "I shoulda, coulda, woulda...!" Don't go down these ratholes, because again, your brain is tricking you into release more Dopamine.)
How truly painful it is to be so negative with ourselves over and over again.
DEFINITELY, DON'T BE NEGATIVE
Also, this is even more important than not being positive, DON'T BE NEGATIVE.
While being positive may provide a clouded view, being negative provides a dark, clouded view that can be much more hurtful to your psyche and keep you stuck in your negative thinking and behaviors.
I'm referring to thoughts such as:
"I'm an idiot."
"Why is this happening to me?"
"I'll never make it."
"Why did I eat that second donut?"
"I'm not smart/handsome/pretty/fast/tall/thin/etc enough!"
"I am so [insert your favorite self-deprecating, negative adjective here]!"
We've all been there. Something goes wrong, and we tend to answer with a negative thought. And again, the more we do it, the more our brain goes on auto-pilot, and we end up making up tales of doom and despair in our heads.
How truly painful it is to be so negative with ourselves over and over again.
In my conversations with many people, we found the easiest behavior modifications is not replacing a negative thought with a positive, but instead developing a thought process of becoming ANTI-NEGATIVE.
BE ANTI
The solution? Or let's call it the "recommended practice" I offer here, is to be ANTI thoughts.
Yes, be ANTI. Specifically, be ANTI-NEGATIVE.
In my conversations with many people, we found the easiest behavior modifications is not replacing a negative thought with a positive, but instead developing a thought process of becoming ANTI-NEGATIVE.
It all starts with recognizing a negative thought, behavior, auto-pilot, action, you name it. Recognize it's happening. Then, instead of simply converting it to a positive thought, it is crucial to accept it, and tell yourself:
"That's a negative thought, I'm going to discard it."
And that's it. No fluff, no camouflage with some positive make-up, just move on.
ANTI-NEGATIVE means not allowing a negative thought. There is no place for it in your mind, you simply will not allow it. Block it, imagine throwing it into a trashcan, visualize a bouncer not letting it in; doesn't matter how you do it, be ANTI-NEGATIVE.
Allow your mind to help you remove and discard negative thoughts. Fight them. Banish them. Deny their visa. Expire their membership. Simply forbid entry.
PRACTICE IT
There are two ways to practice being ANTI-NEGATIVE.
The moment a negative thought enters your mind.
After the fact.
Let's start with 2. Recognizing our negative thought tendency as it happens is not easy. We're on auto-pilot, emotions are running high, fight or flight response may be in full gear, whatever it is, you may not be in a place where you can catch it right away. When we're in a different state, away from whatever situation triggered our negative response, that's when do a retrospective.
"That was so stupid of me, I'm an idiot."
Old behavior 1 - Rabbithole: "I've always been an idiot...I should, coulda, woulda...I'll never learn..."
Old behavior 2 - Positive Camouflage: "It's ok, I'm worthy...I love myself...I can make it..."
New behavior - ANTI-NEGATIVE: "Whoa, that was a negative thought, I'll just throw that in the incinerator now."
That's it. No need to come up with solutions or figure things out at that moment. The mere act of recognizing and discarding the negative thought will put you in a different state from which you can proceed in a better direction.
Now, if you catch yourself in the act, wow, kudos to you. That may take some practice, but it's well worth it once you get there. Same process too, only in the present tense:
"That is so stupid of me, I'm an idiot."
Old behavior 1 - Rabbithole: "I'm always an idiot...I should, coulda, woulda...I'll never learn..."
Old behavior 2 - Positive Camouflage: "It's ok, I'm worthy...I love myself...I can make it..."
New behavior - ANTI-NEGATIVE: "Whoa, that IS a negative thought, I'll just throw that in the incinerator now."
Yes, I'm oversimplifying here, on purpose. There a bad negative thoughts and not so bad negative thoughts, but in the end, the negativity will remain in your psyche.
So, whatever negativity creeps at whatever moment, squash it. Don't find a mirror and tell yourself "I love you, I'm worthy, ...", just squash the negative train of useless thoughts.
This should not require major effort. Choose to be ANTI-NEGATIVE. Allow your mind to help you remove and discard negative thoughts. Fight them. Banish them. Deny their visa. Expire their membership. Simply, forbid it.
Remember the sequence:
Recognize/Acknowledge the negative thought
Choose to be ANTI-NEGATIVE
1 is important, because with recognizing (maybe acknowledging is a better word here) your thoughts, you are recognizing your behavior, the triggers, and your auto-pilot. Then, 2, you can eliminate it they any which way you choose to.
"And I don't know if I told you, but I chose my banish method to be a flamethrower."
EPILOGUE
This can be applied at anywhere, especially at work where we spend a lot of time. I thought I'd share this wonderful story from one of our "heroes" at heroesrixs.com (yes, I have permission to share):
"Hey Arasch,
Just a quick note, I was anti-n today, and it sucked, but in a good way. I had forgot [task] at work, and you know me, usually I'll spend the rest of the day head down, beating myself up, and apologizing 100 times. And I did that, but not for long. I caught myself just when I started to think about the last time something like this happened, and then it hit me: why? Last time has nothing to do with this time, my boss wasn't even upset today, and nobody cares, I'm working on it right now, so what? And I don't know if I told you, but I chose my banish method to be a flamethrower. I picked it up and incinerated all those negative thoughts I had all morning. It felt good, and then it sucked, because I started beating myself up over having had all those stupid thoughts. But I picked up my flamethrower again, and you know the rest. Good progress, what do you think?
See ya Friday,
[Hero]"
From all of us at heroesrixs.com, all green lights to You and Yours for the New Year!
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist or counselor. I am a certified life coach and I offer coaching services to help people achieve their goals. My coaching services are not a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice. If you are experiencing any mental health or medical problems, please seek the advice of a qualified professional.
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